Social Writing for the Anti-Social

This may come as a shock to, well, no one, but I am an admitted anti-social. That label carries such negative connotations, so let me clarify.

I have nothing against social activities, social gatherings, social discussions or attempting to be social. I am, however, petrified by the concept. I am a Highly-Functioning Autistic Adult (HFAa) (Quite the mouthful of a diagnosis for someone who has trouble stringing coherent words together audibly sometimes, isn’t it?). This makes me, by default, socially awkward due to sensory overload causing me to withdraw to the corner of the room as an instinctual mode of preservation, and if you do get me talking, I often say strange things because my brain is trying to express something but can’t make the correct correlation to my lips. My brain works at hyper-speed, so I sometimes skip entire sentences or blurt out an idea that makes sense to no one but me. I can randomly say words in the middle of long silences (road trips with me are fun!) or make strange gestures (still can’t dance to save my life, except maybe the Harlem Shuffle.). I can be over emotional or under emotional in the wrong situations and I can take things others say the wrong way unintentionally.

(I hope you are laughing at the above. Laughing about it is about all I can do. It’s not going anywhere, so it might as well entertain me.)

Enter the internet. I thought that I would be able to function more socially online, typing from the safety of my office, and in some ways this was very true. Once I find a social niche or group that accepts me, I can become quite the Chatty Kathy. I even met my husband online. (Love him for he puts up with all my oddities.)

However, I still have trouble with the initial contact. That first little bit of approach, testing the waters, and reaching the point of acceptance. I can watch a chat group or message board with dedication for a year+ without ever making a single comment. When I do make that first post as an introduction or comment, I break out in a sweat, read my post three or four times, delete it, debate it, come back a day later and then repeat until my brain slips and lets my finger click the submit button. I kid you not. (This is an actual HFA process ritual for me.) Then, I will stress over my post (sometimes for days) until it received a reply or acknowledgment. I still sometimes do this with posts to communities I now participate regularly in.

Will they accept me into their tribe? If I friend this person, will they friend me back? Am I being too forward by friending this person? Do I have the right to comment on this post? Will they get my joke? Is that really a funny ha-ha joke or is it just funny in my head? Am I being rude? Am I being too direct (something I am known for, but it’s something my friends have come to understand)? Will I get booted from the island when I laugh at the wrong thing? 

The above conversation is the brick wall that stands between my brain and the fun social party happening on the other side. I want to participate. I want to belong. I want to have discussions, contact and connections with other human beings. I love talking about my hobbies and interests. I love to share knowledge and listen to what others have to say. I like people who have opinions that they are willing to express to me. I want to feel accepted. Who doesn’t? It’s human nature to want to belong to something greater than themselves.

For a long time, I let the brick wall stop me from doing many things. I lost myself in single player video games (or pretending that solo play in MMOs was more fun than joining a party. It isn’t.), single-player hobbies (crochet, drawing, reading, writing…), and doing my best not to let it get the best of me, though I could feel the Autism gaining strength. It’s a bit like mold. You give it darkness and isolation and it will grow and grow and grow. The only real medicine is immersion and I was backing away.

Then I went and published a book. I thought that this would be a nice, safe way for me to share myself, my story, my interests with the world without having to actually hurdle the brick wall, which by then (October, 2012) had become a giant, looming mountain (complete with Smaug and Smeagol) which I had begun to accept as part of my existence. Well, hit me with the stupid-stick, because this was probably one of the most social things I have ever done. It put me out there, which I expected, but it also required that very scary word, participation.

Writing a book is great, but I wanted people to actually read it. I will be completely honest; yes, I would love to make money from it, but my real reason for it is feedback. I crave feedback.  I want more than anything to sit down and have a conversation about my books with someone. I am not sure if this makes me vein or if this craving is my brain’s way of trying to compensate for the lack of social interaction in my life. All I do know is that a review (good or bad) is like an echo into my soul that perhaps vindicates or proves my existences to myself. This may even be why one of the main themes in my series is the question of existence as a choice – to participate in it, to let it pass you by, to have your existence acknowledged or ignored, to find that one thing or person who makes existence sing for you. (This makes sense in my head, sorry if I lost any of you.). The point is, that in order to get feedback, people have to actually find and read my book.

I suddenly found myself with a Facebook page, a Google+ account, two Google+ Communities that I moderate, a Twitter Account and memberships at Kindleboards, GoodReads, and elsewhere. Whoa.

Six months later, and I am still not entirely sure what I’m doing and I am still not entirely comfortable with participation. I seem to be fine with promoting other people’s books, in fact I really enjoy it. It lets me talk with people about topics I enjoy. I think I’ve even made some friends. Self promotion, however, I haven’t gotten the knack for. I try it, but it always feels awkward. (I should put a quarter in a jar for every time I have used that word…) I watch others self promoting with tweets and posts and tours and I feel like I still have such a long way to go.

I posted my self-directed frustration today on Twitter and Facebook. I received some immediate responses.

It seems that this is not a unique feeling at all – the feeling of being adverse to self-promotion or having difficulty getting your knees deep in the social networking required for book promotion. There also seems to be a consensus on the only way to get over it: Practice, persistence and patience. 

Practice I can do. I am used to practicing and making things into rituals in order to make them a comfortable habit.

Persistence is something I have slight problems with. I can often get discouraged if I don’t feel an immediate result or return. Even when I set goals, I can get side-tracked and leave things unfinished. I have tackled this with writing by making writing a ritual. I do it every day, whether its a forum post or a chapter. Now that it is a ritual, it feels odd or wrong to my HFA brain if I go a day without writing something significant. (This can have it’s own flip-sided downfall, but I digress.)

Patience is, by far, the biggest issue for me. I am from the microwave, cable television, instant access, vending machine and gold-star generation. I did my thing, so I want my praise, certificate and crappy toy prize from the treasure chest now, please. I want feedback, and I want it now! (Waits to fall down the bad egg shoot.)  I published six whole months ago, for cripes sake, so I should be at the same place as those who have been doing this for years, right?

I have not yet figured out a way to deal with my patience issues. It causes me to constantly check my book reviews, ratings and feedback forums. It causes me anxiety and can even interfere with my creativity and writing. This is a hurdle I will need to overcome as part of my growth as a writer and as part of my journey through existence.

What about you? Do you have problems with self-promotion? How do you get your book out there? Is the key really Practice, Persistence and Patience? Any tips for an impatient person like me?