New addition: This video just about sums up how I feel.
Deep breath. Hold it. Exhale.
As I near the release date for Whispers From Exile, I find my stomach in twirling knots and my heart doing the lambada on a daily basis, and it’s not just from the anxiety that comes from releasing a new book. I know every author, especially those of us that are self-published and do not have the team of publishing staff to console or encourage us that we are moving the right direction, goes through this. For me, I feel like I am going through it in a compounded manner with Whispers for one main reason. It is a reason that both frightens me and exhilarates me.
I believe that writing for a specific audience or genre is good unless it begins to compromise your story so that you can fit into the expectations placed on you. I believe that you should put the integrity of your story above all else, and I believe that you should not change, compromise or even bend your story into a shape it isn’t meant to fit. I believe that, though I may be writing the story down, there is some larger force, inspiration, muse, or whatever you would like to call it, guiding me and the story as it takes shape. The ideas must come from somewhere, and I should stay true to them.
Even if it costs me readers.
Whispers From Exile is a risk for me, and although it frightens me, it is a risk I am proud to take. The reason that Whispers From Exile is a risk for me, and why it may cost me readers, is because it deals with the love that develops between two male characters.
I suspect that at this point, some of you may be rolling your eyes with a “so what?”, and some of you may be shrugging, while some of you may be rather upset at me. Whatever your reaction is, I will not judge, nor will I apologize.
When I started writing Ghost in the Machine, and even the early stages of Whispers From Exile, I did not know that this is the direction my story would take me in. When I realized where it was going, I tried to re-write it to conform to my own fears. I was afraid people who liked Ghost wouldn’t like Whispers, I was afraid friends and family may judge me for the story, and I was afraid that I would fail. The writing turned to crap, nothing would come out and I spent days staring at a blank white screen, unable to understand why I couldn’t even write one coherent sentence.
I realized I was trying to bend the story, and my muse was having no part of it. I took a deep breath, opened a Corona, and then I opened myself to the story. The true story. The story unfiltered, unbridled and without compromise. I ended up writing nearly twenty thousand words that night, and it didn’t stop for the next week. Larx and Torque were pleading to be heard, and once I started listening, I discovered a story that both grew from and supported the larger story of Ethan and Orynn. I discovered the truth of love, and I discovered deeper meanings within my own writings that I don’t even remember typing, not only in regards to the relationship between Larx and Torque, but also in the growing understanding of the complex relationship between Orynn and Jarren.
Love is so much more complex than we allow it to be most of the time. As we try to put Love in a box with a nice, acceptable label, we are only hurting ourselves. Love is not the same for everyone, and it cannot be defined by one person. No one should have the right to tell you who you can and cannot love. I have a deep and beautiful love in my life, and I cannot imagine someone telling me that my love for him was unacceptable. Love can be painful, it can be dangerous and it can be so full of joy. Love doesn’t always lead to happily ever afters, but it will always lead you somewhere unexpected.
There. I have said what my heart has been asking me to say. I hope that you can accept my stories as they must be told, because I will no longer try to change them for the sake of the perceived expectations of the world around me.
Adonae tu. Solukae noyai.
There is no going back. There is only moving forward.
~Corinne Elletson Kilgore
***Update, June 2, 2013: Since writing this post, I have published Whispers From Exile. The acceptance and feedback for the book as been encouraging. While, as expected, I did lose a few readers and received a few emails and notes stating they wouldn’t be reading book 2 because of its subject matter, for the most part, all those who have taken the open chance to read book 2 have given me very positive feedback. A few even stated that they were surprised how much they enjoyed it and that the subject matter they thought might ruin the story for them actually made the story that much more enjoyable. I think this proves that if you are open, the beautifully universal story of Love can be told in many forms and will bridge the gaps and walls that we, ourselves, build.